Wisconsin Life Insurance

The state of Wisconsin was made famous by the jazz rock group Steely Dan in their Grammy winning 1980 release, Gaucho. It was included in the album’s big hit, Hey Nineteen, in the line “moved down Wisconsin, where the hell am I?”

Wisconsinites have been asking themselves the very same question ever since the first settlers arrived in the early 1700’s. In fact these founding fathers were on a seal pup clubbing jaunt to Alaska when they took a wrong turn, and thinking that the shores of Lake Michigan were the Bering Straits, they went baby moose clubbing instead. The flag still depicts the image of a fur-trapper, beating a nondescript mammal fetus with a leather sap.

Wisconsin’s most famous son is the celebrated pervert and serial killer of some note, Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer has become something of a hero among Wisconsinites as a typical underdog and social outcast, who made something of himself and put their state on the map.

Whilst eating people is undeniably wrong, Wisconsinites will argue that Dahmer’s victims should have carried adequate Term Life Insurance to cover such an eventuality, and this oversight was so inexcusable as to exonerate Dahmer of his crimes.

In the case of The People Versus Jeffrey Dahmer (1973) this lack of life insurance wasn’t recognized as a valid excuse for cannibalism and he fried like an egg in the electric chair soon after.

Other famous Wisconsinites include the Boaz Mastodon, possibly the most famous non-living being in the entire state. Existing over 10,000 years BCE, it was discovered by a group of toothless hillbillies checking their land for drought damage almost 150 years ago.

Flint arrowheads found embedded in the rib-cage suggest that not only was it hunted by ice age cave dwellers, but that they had great skills in felling these beasts that stood over ten feet tall and had tusks that were over four times the length of those belonging to an African elephant.

The state insurance fund wasn’t available to these primitive people for another 12,000 years, but thankfully, these days if you were to encounter an extinct beast whilst trekking in the Wisconsin wilderness, you should have adequate state life insurance companies to see that your funeral is paid for and your family is financially secure.